Nobody Likes A Tease

I love the multi billion dollar cottage industry dedicated to betting hard earned money on something so ridiculous as the outcome of a football game, usually in relation to achieving a minimum score differential among the two teams. What I love even more is the creativity with which these shylocks and grease men will allow you to put your weekly wages at risk. That is until now. So far this season I have mainly stuck to picking a winner against the spread, over/unders, and the occasional parlay for the big payoff. Well, this week for some odd reason I went teaser crazy. Perhaps I felt the need to liquidate Saturday night's profit of $100 in $.10/$.25 pot limit omaha (seriously).

Here's a recap:

• Green Bay (-3.5) at Detroit

Green Bay is just on a roll. Wagered: $11, Won $10

• New York Jets (+15) at Dallas

Don't Ask. Wagered: $11, Lost $11

• Tennessee Titans vs. Cincinnati Bengals Over 47

Cincinnati scores alot. It's that simple. Tennessee superstar lineman and former face-kicker Albert Haynesworth was still out. While Cincy's offense held up their end of the bargain, the defense chose this week to forget that they blow. Apparently the medicine for a shitty defense is to play against Vince Young. Young is entertaining as he prances around the field, ball held high and out for any closing defender to knock into the air with a mere swat of the fingertips, running for the occassional 6 yard gain whilst treating his receivers to a game of "you run this way, you run that way" down the street style of football. 12 points Vince, all we needed out of you was 12 points. We got 6. Bungles 35 - Ms. Pac Man 6. Wagered: $11, Lost: $11

• Washington Redskins at Tampa Bay Bucs Over 38

I couldn't pick a winner here, I think it was Redskins (-3). But I did think it would be about a 23-20 type game. And it would have been. Except Jason Campbell developed a severe phobia of the red zone in the 4th quarter, tossing two picks inside the 20 on their last two drives. Bucs 19 - 'Skins 13. Missed it by 6. 6, Mr. Campbell, is the point value of a touchdown that you will be awarded should you decide ever again to throw to one of your guys in the end zone. Wagered: $11, Lost: $11

• Seattle Seahawks at St. Louis Rams Over 45.5

Bulger was back, Jackson's healthy and Seattle still gives up enough points, while scoring their fair share, to make this one look like a no-brainer. And at the end of the 1st quarter things were lookin' great at 16-7, for a total of 23. Then something odd happened. They both decided to play defense. What!!!!!? 3 more quarters for a total of 20 more points and I miss it by a field goal. Wagered: $11, Lost: $11. Ouch, let's see what's going on over at that Saints game....

• New Orleans Saints (-3) at Carolina Panthers

This has become the no-brainer du jour. Until further notice, bet against Carolina regardless of the spread. The oddsmakers still haven't adjusted the spread for just how far apart the Panthers have fallen. New Orleans would have been a bargain at (-10). Because of the eternally anemic Panthers offense, the over (somewhere around 38 or so) scared the hell out of me, and rightfully so. Steve Smith deserves better. Bagheads 31 - John Kasay 6. Wagered: $11, Won $10

Alright, here's where things get weird. When I look at a line and just don't get any noticeable gut feeling, I usually just leave the game alone. There are some games that are just too random to get a feel on. These games usually involve shitty, jekyll & hyde type teams. In the name of brevity, here's what happened:

• Buffalo Bills teased from (+9) to (+15) vs. Jacksonville AND The over (teased from 37 down to 31). Jacksonville clobbered 'em, 36-14 en route to obliterating the original over by 13.
• Oakland Raiders vs. KC teased from (+5.5) to (+11.5) vs. Kansas City AND Houston vs. Cleveland teased from (+3.5) to (+9.5). Houston Lost by 10 via a mop up TD with 3 minutes to go. It was never close.

Let's just say this: Involving Buffalo, Oakland, and Kansas City in any kind of betting other than "they'll get the snot kicked out them" is bad business. Don't mess with bad and inconsistent teams. Wagered: $22, Lost $22

• Denver at Chicago Over 41 Wagered: $11, Won $10

Everything went as planned on this one, the Chicago defense just isn't what they were last year. But I got greedy. Because of the debacle of losing almost every 1 o'clock bet, I snuck in a "make up" bet on Denver (+1) right before the game. After kicking to Devin Hester TWICE, ON PURPOSE and watching him run for two TDs, Denver seemed to have righted their ship and pulled into a 34-20 lead with 10 minutes to go. Then Mike Shanahan committed the cardinal sin: Prevent Defense. As many have said, the prevent defense only prevents you from winning. All you gotta do is pressure Rex Grossman and he will give you the ball by either throwing a pick or fumbling in the backfield. Denver made him look like Joe Montana en route to picking apart them apart for two scores in about 5 minutes. Then they lost in overtime. Let's recap: Kicking to Devin Hester + Prevent Defense, coupled with the Shanahanigans of calling a timeout 3 milliseconds before every field goal snap: Bring me the head of Mike Shanahan. Wagered: $11, Lost $11

• Philadelphia Eagles at New England Patriots (-23)

All season it's been until further notice, bet on the Patriots. This is further notice. Pats 31 - Eagles 28. Wagered $11, Lost $11

• Miami Dolphins at Pittsburgh Steelers Over 41

I made this bet on Thursday (after completely lucking into a parlay of Colts (-13)/over 41.5 at Atlanta. 31 -13 Indy. Wagered $15, Won $39). This was before the rain soaked/cow pasture debacle at Heinz field. At least I had the sense to make a second half Under 16.5 bet to push. Lost $1 on the juice

Overall Results for the week: -$20