Results from this week's NFL Betting

I swear NFL Sunday Ticket was invented as a conspiracy by all the online sportbooks. There's ten games on at the same time but a majority of them involve mediocre teams that no one gives a shit about. In order for you to fully enjoy the experience, and feel that you got your money's worth, you have to fabricate a way to enjoy watching all these games. What better way to inject some self inflicted interest than to bet on them all! Well, most of them. Here's a recap of yesterday's action:

• San Diego (+3) at Jacksonsville 0/u 40.5

Who the hell knows what you're going to get any given week with San Diego? And Jacksonville's pretty solid but can they stop LT and will Rivers actually have a good day.? Like I said, who the hell knows. But I do know this: The Bolts cannot stop the run, David Garrard is back and the Jags offense is clicking. But their defense isn't quite as stout as years past and with all their weapons, SD should put up a respectable number of points. Sounds like a good time to pick the over! Final: 24-17 Jags. Squeaked one out by half a point. Wagered $11.50, WIN $10

• New Orleans (+1.5) at Houston o/u 50

New Orleans. The model of inconsistency. Potent offense, pourous defense and facing the Texans who have Andre Johnson AND Matt Schaub returning to the line up. I don't care who wins but I do have Reggie Bush, Marques Colston, Andre Johnson, and Kevin Walter in various fantasy leagues and I would love to see a sandlot shootout. Again, what better reason than to pick the over! As the game was starting my roommate (a fantasy football maven of the highest order) remarked on how well Houston plays D at home. Nonsense! I said, and it looked okay as the game entered halftime 17-10. A whopping 6 more points were scored in the second half. Looks like that next 12 pack of Miller Lite is gonna have to come out of my own pocket. Wagered $11.50, Lost $11.50

• Green Bay (-10) at Carolina o/u 37.5

I live in Charlotte so I have first hand knowledge of this little fact: The Panthers suck (su-su-su-su, that's right Judge Smails, they suck!). Of their defensive stars, Dan Morgan can't walk out of his house without suffering a season ending injury and Julius Peppers doesn't sack anyone anymore. Somebody told me a viscious rumor that it's because he can't get HGH from some guy in Spartanburg anymore but I don't know anything about that. One more reason the shirt and tie crowd at Bank of America Stadium will be in their cars by halftime: Steve Smith has a leg injury and is doubtful. Packers by 10, no-brainer. I took a look at the game about half way through the 4th and for some reason Drew Carter decided to catch pass and run for 50 yards. The Panthers score two plays later and all the sudden a 28-3 game at half was 28-16. Coach John Fox of the Panthers inexplicably doesn't go for 2 with 4 minutes to go, thereby preserving my 1 point cushion over the spread. Thanks coach. Wagered $11.50, WIN $10

• Cleveland (-2) At Baltimore o/u 43.5

I don't care who wins this game, they're both in my beloved Steelers' division so I'm just happy somebody has to lose. All season, I've had a hard fast rule of picking the under in any Baltimore game until further notice. They play such an excruciatingly boring brand of football. Their anemic offense and aging, yet still solid defense almost always ensures a snooze fest of 2 yard runs, passes for no gains, false start penalties, punts, and the occasional field goal. Almost Always. Yesterday these two sloppy bastards decided to score. If Derek Anderson would have decided to have thrown only to the guys in the offensively ugly white, brown, and orange uniforms than everything would have been just fine. Instead he zips a pick sixer to Ray Lewis, and then Boller throws his own 100 yard nail in my coffin to some DB in an offensively ugly white, brown, and orange uniform. Should have known. The Browns can't stop ANYONE. Wagered $11.50, Lost $11.50

• St. Louis (-3) at San Francisco o/u 39.5

This might be the "Who cares game of the week" but it is also the "Can't miss, 100% surefire, back the truck up, lock of the week". After having to endure SF last monday night, it is obvious that those 6 kids I saw playing in my neighbors yard yesterday could beat them. Coupled with the fact the Bulger is healthy, Steven Jackson is back, and Tory Holt still possesses hands, I'm going double on this one. It wasn't pretty, but they covered by the minimum, 13-9. Wagered $22, WIN $20

• Washington (+11) at Dallas o/u 47

Jason Campbell has struggled at times this year but I believe he has the skills, and more importantly the poise to become a legitimate NFL QB. The running game is coming together and he's starting to hit wide receivers in the end zone. The Cowboys are the Cowboys, they're going to score, no doubt about it. But one simple fact remains: Roy Williams plays for them. And they are going to get scored on. Other than Jason David, Roy Williams has got to be the most consistently shitty Safety in the league. Slow, poor tackler, physically soft, this guy has been burned more times than Ricky William's 6 foot bong. I figured the skins would give them a game and keep it within 7 or so. Hey, even a broken clock is right twice a day! 'Boys 28, Skins 23. Wagered $11, WIN $10

• Chicago (+6) at Seattle o/u 37.5

Over/under at 37.5! Did I read that right? Yes Larry, you did. Apparently the odds makers haven't seen the Bears defense since mid season last year. Double up on this one too! Seabags 30, Bears 23. Wagered $22.00, WIN $20

So I have a pretty good day, going 2 for 4 in the early games and hitting all 3 (including two doubles) in the late games. I'm up $50 so I figure I'll throw a little parlay on the Pats/Bills game. Pats (-16) and the over (46.5), no-brainer right? Wrong. wrong. I call Bondtrader Joe, poker buddy and fellow lowstakes gambling junkie. We conclude that "the Bills always play them tough" and I pick, and it pains me to even type this, the Pats (-16) and the under? What the hell is wrong with me? The Patriots are not an NFL football team. They are a superhuman gathering of highly talented football players executing their given tasks with a precision, attitude, and a hunger previously not seen in the history of this league. And until further notice, they will destroy all in its path, cover the spread, and obliterate the over in every game. Except against the Steelers. I will simply have to refrain from wagering that particular game. Wagered $12, LOST $12

Final outcome: + $35

MNF: Tennessee (+1) At Denver o/u 38.5. Huh? Shit, I have no clue. I'll probably tease up Tennesse to +7 and pick under 44.5.

UPDATE: I took Tennessee (+1). They got slaughtered. Wagered $11, Lost $11

Final week's tally: + $24